hit delete

okay

i guess you deserve more credit than that

thanks

love ya.

Obsessed

why do i just lie awake and think of you
i need some sleep
tomorrow i have things to do
every time i close my eyes i see your face
so i try to read
but all i do is lose my place

am i obsessed with you
i do my best not to want you
but i do all the time
i do all the time

i just had to call you up and say hello
i know it's 3am
and i saw you a while ago
but i still had this aching need to hear your voice
to know you're there
i don't seem to have any choice

am i obsessed with you
i do my best not to want you
but i do all the time
i do all the time

i'm so sorry i just had to wake you up
i feel so lonely by myself
is this the way it feels when you're in love
or is it something else

am i obsessed with you
i do my best not to want you
but i do all the time
want you all the time
but i do all the time
i want you all the time
am i obsessed with you

baby in the house

guess what

my cousin's pregnant!

there's gonna be a baby in the family!!

hoorahhh..

i've been waiting so long..^^

weeeeeeeeeeeee~~~

=DDDDDD

btw

when she came juz now

she brought us very cute mooncakes

this is the watermelon 1

it actually looks like a watermelon

cute huh

and thr's 5 others

a green apple 1 with the shape of a green apple

a mango 1 with the shape of doraemon's head

a tiramisu with cocoa powder on top just like tiramisu cakes

and 2 normal ones

(i didnt take photos coz they're still in the plastic)

and this is the box

of coz

this'll be mine

no one else in the family keeps these stuff

it'll go straight to the bin

no way~!

edited - 30/9/09

added pics

cutey

but lets not mention taste

ehemm..

Broadwalk Modeling stage2

if u remember from a previous post

my friend Elaine Tam has moved to stage 2

thanks if u voted =)

now.. please vote again?

here's the link~ find Elaine Tam.

thankyou loads.

.vote.vote.vote.

.zm.

中华.圣约翰

好久好久好久 都没有回过中华了

好怀念~~~

今天趁放假 又有队庆

就回去看看 支持下咯 =)

中华变了 美了=D 也丑了D=

有些课室多了壁画 蛮美的

看看这个男厕所 竟然变得那么yeng

别担心 没有人看到我拍照 我有左望望右望望才拍的 XD

可是咧 有些也几丑一下的

那些我就没有拍了

门口直直走进去 有个大大个的90

讲真也是几丑下 还真好意思对正大门口 让我看一次笑一次 tsk tsk~

这是我最喜欢的班 过得最快乐的一年

对 暗暗那边就是我的座位 和他的 和她和他和他们的

刚才这样经过看一看 好多回忆涌上来 <--涌有写对吗？

当然还有这里 我爱的救伤室

女救伤室

这里有我六年的回忆

在中华认识我的 有哪个不知道我是圣约翰的 哈哈

救伤室就是我常跑的地方啦

噢拜得为 到底是谁弄坏我的秘书橱啊!!>.<

下面的 是男救伤室

没什么变 只是多了一些器材 不懂哪个好人捐的

还有 快乐小信箱

油了漆 美了 不再像以前红红的了

看到它就想到我宝贝的爱徒们 呵呵~~

嗯..还有这个

哈哈哈..

队庆..

讲真 还好罢了

气氛有点热不起来 跳的舞也少了 tepuk也少用了

可能因为人比较少了吧

但这次好在终于有call我们这班老的回来了!终于啊!

炳翰~谢啦!!

队庆有点点照片 不在我这里

迟点才放吧

.love.love.love.

.隆中华圣约翰救伤队前前前前任秘书.

complicated disney love story

heeheeheeee

i know my drawing sux

but u can guess what they are rite..

so i passed i dont care XD

p/s : wish u all happiness my dear..

10 years' feelings

Recently, I had the urge to write something. Like an essay. I just don't have time, till now. That's why I love holidays, you get to do the things you so wanted to do, and get it done. So back to the topic, as I said I wanted to write something, I literally meant I wanted to write something, which is, I don't know what the something is. There were a few stuff running through my mind, first my friends, then my best friend, my old best friend, the past errrm you know--boys, then college life, and secondary, then to my life, my cousins, my family, my sister, my mom, my brother and... Click. I knew exactly what I wanted to write.

My father.

Twenty-one years of my life, half, I lived through it without him, my father. He passed away just before reaching forty-one, in 1999. I was ten years, nine months old. You might think time had washed away all the sadness, tears, memories and feelings. If so, you're half right. Time does wash away a lot, whether you like it or not. But those feelings don't just go away. They change, every period of time through these ten years.

I recall clearly the morning he left. It was a Friday, two days before his 41st birthday. The funeral, it was a horrible three days. I remember his coffin, the tents, those prayers, the people crying, the rain, the burning, the memorial park and more burning. So horrible it still haunts me. However, besides crying and crying, I don't quite remember how I felt that period of time. All I know is that I felt angry because it was unfair. I was then in standard five, we had around fifty in a class, and four of us lost our fathers in that very year, I was the second one. Still, it was unfair. Why? Why does it have to be me? Well, I now know. There's no answer to this question. It just is, the way it is. Like people say, it's fate. Well, of course to me, it's the most ugliest, stupidest, ridiculous, horrible, terrible, lousy, junk fate. But no matter how much it sucks, how unfair it is, it is, just the way it is. And it's not going to change. This little fact took me years to realize. Really, it really took years.

At some point then, I remember wondering, hoping, and wishing I would just wake up. Suddenly. And be so glad it was all just a big terrifying nightmare. Just convincing myself he was gone and no longer coming back took a long time. Sometimes, it was like I went crazy or something, telling myself inside my head that he's dead and then defending that it was impossible. This self-conflict, I never dared to tell anyone, I knew, I had to sort it out myself. Now, knowing there's no why to the unfairness, the anger faded. But it doesn't mean I now feel it's fair. It still isn't. It's just that I've learnt parts of life is just unfair, it is the way it is. Only if you could view it as a big picture, you might find that life is actually kind of fair. Sometimes, you lose a little here, and you gain a little there. Maybe in my case, I gained a strong relationship with my mom. And I learnt to treasure the time spent with people I love, knowing how it's like to lose them. However, if I could choose, I would still change the case, I would still want my father back. That is, as I say, if I could choose.

Another one feeling I had, was the blame I had for myself. Before my father left, he was admitted into a hospital in Singapore. One day, my mom called from there and it was me who picked up. She asked if we(brother, sister and I) wanted to visit my father during the weekend. I rejected, saying I had exams on the following Monday. I repeat, I, actually rejected. How brainless and stupid can I get? Well, the following week, she called again. This time, she insisted that we visit my father on the coming weekend. But, he didn't wait. One day before the weekend, was the Friday that he left. And it was all my fault, all my fault that we couldn't see each other for one last time. All my fault. I feel guilty till now. I guess I didn't know his sickness was this serious. I guess I didn't know. Well, I can't remember whether I knew or not. But I really hope I didn't know.

However, that wasn't the only guilt I felt. Sometimes, not knowing something or even forgetting something about my father makes me feel guilty. Well, the word guilty doesn't really cover the feeling. It's actually a mixture of guilt, unfilial, anger, pain, powerless, and helpless, which leads to major frustration. And this happens all the time. Randomly. Repeatingly. Always. An example I can remember is the time when I started to learn French and was required to write stuff about our family members. I hated these kind of stuff. Even filling up those school forms can be irritating. I hate it when I have to ask what to write for the father's column. I don't like telling people who I'm not close with about my father. So should I leave it blank? Or should I cancel it out? Because I even hate to write 'Deceased'. Well, back to the story, when I was required to write about my father in French, I needed to know his hobbies, his favourite colours, his favourite song, and stuff like that. It made me real sad that I had to make that up.

I can’t remember if I had ever asked him these. I can’t remember knowing. Was reading his hobby? Was blue his favourite colour? Was Country Road his favourite song? Did he like to sing? Where did he bring us to in the holidays? How did it felt like talking to him? Had I hugged him tight before? Had I ever told him that I loved him? There’s so much memories that’s fading beyond my will. And it is so so frustrating that I can’t do anything. So now you know what I meant in this blog post. Like I say, time does wash away a lot, whether you like it or not. In this passage, you might wonder why I keep referring him as 'my father'. It's because I couldn't even remember what I used to call him. Was it pa, dad, or daddy? Again, the frustration kills me.

Because of this, I treasure those little things that I still remember about my father. I revise it in my mind frequently. I remember his laughs. I remember his prickly beard that he rubs on my face and hand always. I remember the taichi move he does to make us laugh. I remember sitting by the door waiting for him to come home from work on Saturday afternoons. I keep his photo in my wallet, just because I could never forgive myself if I ever forget how he looks. There was once when I dreamed about him. He was driving and I was in the back seat right behind him. I hugged him from behind and even in my dream, I made an effort to remember that feeling. I woke up like a kid on Christmas day. So so happy.

In the recent years, we kind of started to talk about my father in the family. Before this, it always felt like a sensitive topic. My mom seldom speaks of him. My brother never speaks of him. I was afraid of speaking about him in front of my mom. My sister sometimes speaks of him, but she was little. However, it seemed okay now. Sometimes, when we talked about him, we joked that he might be in the room listening, and we laughed. I like it this way. It’s been way too many years and it’s about time we all look at it smiling and happily move on. Quite recently, my mom told me about my father’s ex. Well, the point is not the ex, but the fact that we talked about my father, which I know we wouldn’t in a few years back. Finding out things I didn’t know about my father just makes me excited. It’s like a new discovery for me.

When I applied for college two years ago, I too found out something which really surprised and touched me. My mom and I were in the car, after registering and paying the registration fees for my college. I was wondering about my huge amount of fees, so I asked my mom if it was actually affordable. She explained how my father had left us enough, how he planned for this, how he secured us with insurance. And she told me that it was him that kept us where we are now. I recalled as well, when I was in secondary, that her salary was just break even with all our school fees, bus fees and tuition fees added together. So it was indeed my father that kept us where we are now, I realized at the moment. I was very surprised and deeply touched. He left, but before that, he made the efforts to protect us if he weren’t here one day. It was as if he left but his love remains. People say it all the time, a person leaves but he exists in your heart. It was then that I actually felt that line. Yes, it was as if he still exists, still here. And I tell you, that felt great.

Well, I could go on and on, telling you about these weird feelings that I experienced these ten years, happy or sad. But I guess I should end here. I miss my father, and I know I will never stop missing him. Once in a while, I'd still hide under my blankets and wail my heart out. But the next day, I know I'd be fine again. It's just something that will stick to me forever. A black spot in my life. A black spot I've came to accept as part of me. A black spot that I've learned to live through. I loved, love, and will love my father. This will keep him in my heart forever. =)

Done. It feels great to write these out. 10 years' feelings. Things change but I still miss him and love him. I hope I dream him tonight.

Pa, Dad, or Daddy, I love you.

CMA nominations

t swift in ugly clothes

watching cma nomination announcements on tv

i heart this clip

she seems so real here

real as in.. like a normal girl going all crazy knowing she got a prize

n also, i like the ugliness. ahah XD

btw the woman sitting opposite her is her mom

the 4 nominations she got

- entertainer of the year

- female vocalist

- album of the year

- music video of the year (love story)

congratz T

Broadwalk Modeling

don't be shocked by the title

im not getting involved in any modelling thing

but please visit this

it's an online pagaent contest

from this modelling agency Broadwalk Modelling

some of their photos are nice, as in, erm.. they have the style

personally, i like Amy Woon's, Cheryl Lee's, Jime Wu's and Vanessa Caitlin's

but i didnt vote for them

i voted for my friend, Elaine Tam

can you please vote her too?

registration is needed to vote

but the registration is easy, i mean, really easy..

so..

please vote her?

yea, the only aim of this post is to ask u to vote ^^

remember, Elaine Tam's the name.

thanks for the help~ =)

Fearless relaunch

OooOOOooooOOOOoooooHH..

t.swift mentioned in her new blogpost that they're gonna re-release Fearless.. with SIX new songs!!! i want i want i WANT!!! who wants to get it for meeee?please?? nyek nyek.. im so gonna fall in love with the sweet cute adorable lovely generous unkedekut person.. (shiny shoes - check).. nyek nyek.. oh oh and please pleeeeaase come to msia for promotour again taylor? i missed it last time and im crying........................................................................ nah juz kidding..but im sad i missed it. come again please.

ok snap out of midnight excitement. i still got my journal to read and do. freaking-long-12-page-journal.man..i hate it.

Sam

..is Johnny Depp in Benny & Joon

(the one with hat)

yet again a weird character

but i like it this time

it's a weird movie too

but weird me likes weird stuff

once in a while..

oh btw, this one's not by Tim Burton..

just so you know. sss ssss sss~~